


It Rhymes If You're Drunk

by MaverikLoki, Ywain Penbrydd (penbrydd)



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Haiku, Haiku in Latin, Latin, Limericks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 20:43:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4033933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaverikLoki/pseuds/MaverikLoki, https://archiveofourown.org/users/penbrydd/pseuds/Ywain%20Penbrydd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We were very, very drunk. And at a wake. So, we did what any drunken fucks at a wake would do, and wrote dirty haiku and limericks for hours on end, while getting drunker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Rhymes If You're Drunk

  
**PART I: 'The lyrium makes it taste like MAGIC!'**

Fine elven culture  
Lyrium tastes like magic  
Like an arcane sweet

to my darling Fen  
I love your elven c...ulture  
(that's your elven dick)

to my darling Fen  
the lyrium in your dick  
tastes just like magic  
  


* * *

**PART II: Haiku about cats**

Meow? That's my ass.  
I do not speak your language  
You little furball

Oh, pouncy kitty!  
Springy deathtrap Warden cat!  
You get those darkspawn!

Meow? Mew meow.  
Meow meow, meow mew  
meow mew meow!  
  


* * *

**PART III: Haiku in Latin**

Fututor matris!  
Coassationem tu  
lubricavisti!

( _Motherfucker! You greased the floors!_ )

Futue auri  
tuam matrem, cinaede!  
Depugis stulte!

( _Fuck your mother in the ear, fuckboy! You skinny-assed fool!_ )  


* * *

**PART IV: Sexy Earthquakes**

Redecorated.  
We used to have a mirror  
But now we have shards.

Shake it up for me  
Break the bed, shake the armoire  
Show me you want it  
  


* * *

**PART V: Howe drunk are we?**

There once was a warden named Anders  
Whose conduct was utterly scand'lous ~~_(FUCK YOU IT RHYMES IF YOU'RE DRUNK)_~~  
  
He fucked off on the job  
To get on my knob  
But wound up stuck on the Commander's

An archer shoots straight  
At least until he is drunk  
Don't ask why, but Howe.

I lay with a mage in my bunk  
Both of his hands were fondling my junk  
I decided to bugger  
The insolent fucker  
And fuck you it rhymes if you're drunk.

It takes a brave soul  
To climb up on my flagpole  
Brave or just stupid.

Your fucking enormous flagpole  
Did terrible things to my hole  
But I'm not a monk  
And if you get me drunk  
You can still join me in my bedroll

You could have said 'please'.  
How many drinks does it take  
'Til you're on your knees?

No less than seven drinks drunk  
If you're wanting to get in my bunk  
So pull down your skirt  
Before you get hurt  
You slutty, outrageous, mage punk.  
  


* * *

**PART VI: Hot Hawke-on-Hawke... What the fuck is this even?**

So I am a young mage named Artie  
My booty knows just how to party  
I have a brother, in fact,  
Whose name is Cormac,  
And another whose dog is quite farty.

And I am the oldest of five  
Quite lucky to be yet alive  
Went charging through space  
Took a hit in the face  
From an ogre, 'cause that's how I thrive

...I'm surrounded by morons, you see.  
By rights, I should be one of three.  
Between Cormac's face,  
And Carver's disgrace,  
How unlucky can one family be?

Your problem's you look at my face  
Which isn't my relevant grace  
But look at my shoulders  
They're bigger than boulders  
And then get the fuck off my case

You want me to 'fuck off' you say?  
Maker knows I've been drinking all day.  
I'll go find Fenris  
And give him a kiss  
While you can kiss my boot-ey.

Go and enjoy your elven 'culture'  
Which you circle around like a vulture  
But, if he breaks your knee  
Don't come crying to me  
Him with a mage? I'd be shocked  
_~~(IT RHYMES. BUT ONLY IF YOU KNOW ... 'culture'.)~~ _

Cormac, stop being a dick!  
Do those shields make your brain extra thick?  
Go mope by yourself.  
I'll get groped by my elf  
And try to make Carver shit bricks.

If I were a dick, you'd be fucked  
Your pants 'round your knees would be rucked  
Your drunk 'Pull of the Dicks'  
Would have left you no slick  
And I'd be in your ass firmly tucked

We both know that's your wishful thinking  
And that's why you're sitting here drinking  
Instead of downstairs  
On top of Anders  
As you stare at my ass without blinking.

You know I'm not into your ass  
Whatever you seek with this sass  
If you want me to throb  
Come and give me your knob  
And I'll scream while you shatter the glass

Really now, Cormac, take care.  
Your talking is getting some stares.  
You'll just have to wait,  
You damned reprobate  
(But tell me more when we're upstairs).

Oh, down to the cellar let's go  
And give Anders a bit of a show  
On his knob you can drool  
As he starts to unspool  
Leaves your elf in the dark a bit though

Stairs will be tricky this drunk.  
Descending might end with a thunk.  
Let's invite the elf!  
He's all by himself!  
If it's dark, we can see by his junk!

If we're in need of a glowstick  
We could always use Anders's dick  
But, that brings up the spirit  
Not sure we'll get near it  
'Cause Justice is kind of a prick

I'm not sure we'd do Anders justice.  
By which I mean Anders's Justice.  
Or would Justice do you?  
I guess that would do.  
Would you mind if it didn't end bloodless?

Would I mind if it ended in blood?  
Are we talking a spurt or a flood?  
You can rip me apart  
Just don't tear out my heart  
While my Hawke ass gets ploughed by that stud

How could I tear out your heart?  
Isn't that Fenris's part?  
Or yours, I guess.  
With your hand in my chest,  
Could you so sweetly tear me apart?

You want me to glow in the dark?  
Oh wouldn't that be a lark  
But we're gonna get stuck  
Between fucking and fucked  
Since it's all or it's none of me sparks

On second thought, how about no.  
There are so many ways that could go.  
Let's try a spell  
That will actually end well  
And leave it to Fenris to glow.

What if I grab that ring on your neck  
And pull you at my call and beck  
Would you then bequeath  
My knob with your teeth  
We could go on until we're both wrecked

I do like this picture you're painting.  
Are you sure you won't find it straining?  
Well, if you insist,  
How can I resist?  
This should at least be entertaining.

Oi, Anders, come here, light us up!  
And Artie's fine bottom do shtup  
I know you agree  
That we're better as three  
And he'll take in all we can erupt  



End file.
